You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
