so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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