I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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