You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
