how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
