I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
