You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
