I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
