I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
