Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
