Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
