Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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