Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
