I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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