i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
