my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
