Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i think i just lost a toe
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
