I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
