the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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