I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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