I smell stomach acid.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
