Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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