apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
