Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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