i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Floor bacon is actually really good
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
