Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
