I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
