I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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