i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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