It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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