Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize