I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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