She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Please don't give away my fajitas
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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