My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
