I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
