Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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