i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
