Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
