cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
