I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
