The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
