I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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