dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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