I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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