I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
