The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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