just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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