Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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