I accidentally had phone sex last night
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
