Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
