I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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