I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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