The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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