Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
