Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
