I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
