Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
