just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
